( Audience applauding )
hey, pop a wheelie, it's bob and david !
( Audience applauding )
Yeah. All right.
Hey, david.
Hey, uh...
Hey, bob, what's with The running stuff ?
Oh, it's nothing.
It's just part of my Charity work, no big deal.
Oh. Um, well, Tonight's show,
We're going to feature A new wig, and it's styled by--
All right, all right, I'll talk about it.
Folks, i'm gonna be Running throughout The entire show tonight,
'Cause you all Caught me
In the middle of my Annual 10-day run
For people with Full-blown entitilitus.
Anyway, tonight's wig is Styled by the house of--
It's a lot of work To do, yeah, i know,
But that's the Kind of guy i am.
I'm very selfless, I'm very giving, uh...
It's just something i-- Come on !
( Audience applauding )
No, that's not Why i'm doing this !
Come on, You can clap !
No, that's not--
That is not why I'm doing this.
Hey, i'm good, too, Though, you know.
I'm good also, I mean,
What you're doing Is sort of like...
A lot like my work With david's kids.
Oh. You know, each year...
( Audience laughing )
Each year, i raise Money for 'em just To keep 'em going.
David, it's not The same thing.
Those kids are your Illegitimate children.
You have to Support them.
I hate to bring up Another good thing that I do, but i will.
In fact, i think i have To get to it right now.
My "wheels to meals" Program.
"Wheels to meals" ?
That's right, david.
I deliver elderly People to food.
How ya doing, Old-timer ?
It's good for The old people,
And it's good For the food.
You know what ?
( Laughing )
That's actually, uh-- That's actually very similar
To my work with David's girls.
Ah.
David, hardly, Hardly.
Paying models to Wear paper clothes
And have pillow fights Is not charity work.
Oh, i know.
Then that's like My work with david.
That's my boy-- Me !
( Audience laughing )
Hey, tiger !
How ya doing ?
No, david, no.
No, that's not charity Either, david.
Charity is when you Do something for people
While other people Are watching.
And while i'm On the subject...
Have we got These cameras on ?
Which one ? Oh, right here, great.
I've got a phone call I have to make.
Well, whoa. Who Are you calling ?
Oh, it's nothing.
Just a friend of mine.
Gary. He's blind.
I like to call him and Read him a comic strip.
I figure it Brightens his day.
He's, ah, Blind from birth.
Aw ! Tsss !
Hey, gary ! Hey, man, How ya doing ?
I got a great "Calvin" today, buddy. You're gonna--
Yeah, ok, bob, Let's do this.
He's really Excited.
Ok, in the First panel,
Calvin's in church,
And church is Kinda weird,
But it's funny, Man, it's funny.
I wish i could Describe it to you--
Nancy, could You get me
All invoices for Jaker and rubbs ?
Sorry, gary, What was that ?
Don't worry about it, Bob. Read the thing.
Oh, ok.
Ok, now, in The 2nd panel,
Calvin's in hell, and It's totally scary,
But it's kinda Funny, it's...
God, i wish you could See it ! I mean...
( Grunting )
I can't really Describe it,
But it's got, like, Faces on the flames,
( Laughing ) Oh, that's great, Bob. Very funny.
Thanks, thanks a lot. You're a good man,
And, uh, you Brighten my day.
And on behalf of Blind people everywhere,
Thank you. Ok, Really got to run. Bye-bye now.
Ok, but there's A 3rd panel, gary.
Bob ? I don't Spend my day
Fuckin' around on A television show.
I have a Company to run.
Mr. Haberson, A mr. Phil leshkin called.
He wants to read you The racing form.
And a mr. Genetto Called.
He wants to read you The back of a cereal box,
In case you're Having breakfast.
All right.
Phew.
You know, like many People with disabilities,
I lead a full, Active life.
But every now and then, I like to take a few minutes
To let a non-handicapped Person "help me."
It could be Something as small
As letting them Read the paper,
Or as big as a Weekend at the zoo.
It gives a sense Of purpose
To their otherwise Meaningless existence.
this is especially true in hollywood,
where celebrities are grossly rewarded
for insignificant achievements,
and lead empty, trivial lives.
for years, handicapped people have donated their time
to give just a little bit of meaning
to these otherwise sad and hollow individuals.
from big-time telethons to small, anonymous gestures,
handicapped people are there for you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Linda, don't Leave me !
Todd !
Linda, don't do this To me. I love you.
I know, but I want more.
I want more, Too.
You know ? I want To be with you.
To be with you, And, you know...
A team.
You know, You and me, I mean...
Ask her to Marry you.
What ?
Ask her to Marry you !
Come on, Be a man !
If you feel It, say it.
Yeah.
( Audience laughing )
Linda...
Will you Marry me ?
Oh.
Aw.
That's nice.
I'm sorry. No, i can't.
( Groaning )
Is it something I did ? I mean...
( Speaking Japanese )
Oh, he said, uh...
He said, "ask her if you can Still go out occasionally."
Can we still go Out occasionally ?
No, sorry.
Jesus.
Hit her.
( Audience laughing )
Hit her !
( Speaking japanese )
He said, "Give her kung fu."
Yeah, be a man !
( Chanting ) Hit her ! Hit her !
Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up !
Oh, todd ! I'm sorry, linda !
Aw !
Oh !
Kiss her.
Slip her The tongue.
Grab Her ass.
What are you-- Stop it !
What's wrong With you ?
First you ask me To marry you, then You ask me out,
And then you try To grope me ?
You need help !
Punch the wall.
I'm gonna punch you.
You better not, Buster brown.
Hello, i'm dr. Sammy,
Beverly hills Psycho-actualist, And author of the book
old lady, biker, gay guy, japanese man--
the 4 voices within.
( Audience laughing )
You see, Inside each of us
Are 4 distinct Drives or voices.
Our old lady is Our shortsighted,
Impatient, Doddering old fool,
Prone to violence and Rash decision-making.
Our biker backs her up Every step of the way.
Our gay guy takes It personal and Makes it personal,
With the... With the velveteen Touch of a dandy fop.
And, lastly, our Japanese man utters Nonsensical advice
Which only our biker Can translate...
And transcend.
My program is designed To wrangle these 4.
I'll be at the Holiday center spot
In nashanua, New hampshire, In room 39 all weekend.
Hello, i'm Dr. Randy terry,
Author of the 5 voices.
Inside each of us Is an old lady,
A gay guy, a biker And a japanese man,
All under the sway Of the 5th, Dominant voice--
The false Doctor voice.
( Audience laughing )
This voice will be At the holiday inn spot
In nashua, New hampshire, In room 39 all weekend.
Do not visit him.
Oh, hello.
I see you've met Voice 4 and a half--
"Dr. Jealousy."
This is the voice That tries to Undermine my system.
Ignore it.
Fuck you !
Oh...Brilliant Retort, a-hole.
Ok, now we'll see who Exists in whose mind.
Biker, Beat him up !
Old lady, stop the Biker and fight The false doctor !
Japanese man, Get in there, Kung fu him !
( Announcer ) tonight, in your head,
the ultimate cage match--
gay guy, old woman, biker and japanese man,
and not one, but two doctors !
6 voices fight until there's only one left,
only one left, only one left !
only one left, only one left.
( Woman ) Only one left.
What ?
Only one left.
Please, just pick One more doughnut.
Ok.
My head is Pounding, all right ?
It's like i'm Hearing voices.
What'll it be, sir ?
Ok, for my last Doughnut choice,
I would like To have a...
I will have a...
Single...
Doughnut...
Made...
Out...
Of...
Jam.
Jelly ?
Yeah, i already Told you once.
Keep the change.
( Audience laughing )
You want a Doughnut ?
No, i don't eat Doughnuts or hamburgers
Or any other food that has "Approval of the masses."
Did you, uh, see sanford and son Last night ?
I don't watch Television. I don't Even own a television.
Notice i didn't Say "tv."
"Tv" is a nickname, And nicknames Are for friends,
And television is No friend of mine.
( Audience laughing )
You wanna go See a movie then ?
We could go see that One about the coupon.
I only go and see Foreign films.
You wanna listen To some cds ?
Oh, please, Compact discs blow.
People were not meant To hear music with Such clarity.
People need to hear snaps And pops and that shit.
What is that ?
This, my friend,
Is the only modern piece Of equipment i will touch.
Is it a cd player ?
No, i just-- It's a mini-victrola,
And it allows me To listen to
The only decent music Ever committed to vinyl.
Vinyl ?
Yes-s-s.
Is it a d.A.T. Player ?
Jesus, Just listen.
Man, it's so pure, It hurts.
( piano music playing )
* oh, automobile
* baby loves my automobile *
* can't get enough of my automobile *
* driving it all day long *
he was the most popular entertainer of his time.
Dickie crickets was the king Of megaphone crooning,
Or, as we called it back then, "Megaphone crooning."
this is before rudy vallee,
before maurice chevalier,
and dickie was ahead of everybody.
* elevator
* baby's crazy 'bout my elevator*
* just nuts about my elevator *
* ridin' it up and down *
1923 was dickie's year, though, boy.
3 songs, all number 1.
automobile, elevator, And aeroplane.
look, everything is hunky-dory for dickie,
Until kid jersey Came along.
* penicillin
* baby loves my penicillin *
* baby's well 'cause of my penicillin *
* takes it all day long *
Thank you.
and he was polite.
He would always say...
"Thank you."
he coined the term. People--
Everybody's saying it now.
Well, dickie Hated him for that.
And he hit back hard.
* time machine
* baby loves my time machine *
* travels around in time *
( Audience booing )
people didn't want to hear songs about things
That hadn't even been Invented yet.
They wanted songs About new inventions.
But the scientists Weren't coming up
With the new inventions Quickly enough.
so 1929,
dickie and the kid decide to join forces.
they crossed the country
on the "monsters of megaphone" tour.
at every show, they'd have to invent something new
before they could sing about it.
that was the rule.
and a man from the patent office
monitored the whole thing, and people loved it.
* sports bra, sports bra, lifts some of her weights *
* sports bra, sports bra, baby don't jiggle around *
* wearin' it all over town *
( Audience applauding )
* electric tie rack, it's so nice *
* moves ties from side to side *
* electric tie rack, baby loves it *
* rackin' up electric ties *
thank you.
( Audience applauding )
* electric sports bra, electric sports bra *
* baby lights up when she-- *
( Audience booing )
Sorry, sorry.
( Dinging )
* oh, money machine, counterfeit money machine *
* baby loves her money machine *
* makes a lot of money and how *
thank you.
( Audience laughing )
well, it was all downhill from there.
People were all Megaphoned out.
Public's fickle, i guess.
As for dickie and the kid, I don't know where They are now.
Tisha !
Tisha.
Where's dickie And the kid ?
( Singing softly )
* Vacuum cleaner, Vacuum cleaner *
* Best thing they Have around *
Ah, forget it.
They're lost in Their own world.
Why not ?
It was a golden Time for them...
And for american Entertainment.
You still Got it, kid.
Thank you.
Those days Are gone now.
Nowadays,
All you got are These flashy, Big-budget pictures
That nobody Goes to see.
( Sighing )
Nothin' but A bunch of crap.
Bunch of bullshit.
Stupid--
This is the biggest Failure in Movie history !
coupon ! The movie Has made zero money.
You people Are responsible.
I wanna know what The hell happened !
Look, The reports show
That's the most Popular coupon In the country.
Everyone uses it.
People love the coupon, They should love the movie.
Well, they don't !
And what I want to know is,
Who green-lighted This picture ?
( Watch beeping )
Tom ! Didn't even glance at it.
I thought i saw It on your desk.
No, i didn't Green-light it.
As i remember it, I farmed this thing out,
I was just Shepherding it around.
You know, david, didn't you Nurse this at your teat For a little while ?
David ? David ?
Well, you know, I seem to recall Giving it the go-ahead.
Huh ?
The green light, Not the movie.
I gave a go-ahead To the green light.
I mean, this thing Had a thumbs-up
Way before It got to me.
It wasn't even my thumb. It was a woman's thumb.
Jill ? Jill ?
I...Vaguely recall Giving it a thumbs-up,
But that's not the same As a green light, sir.
Bob, you've been Very quiet.
Bob ? Bob ?
Oh...
Uh, well, uh, What we've got here
Is a classic Chinese telephone.
( Laughing )
Nothing against The chinese.
But, uh, i gave This picture a very Tentative "gangs away,"
Which is an old term From the '30s
That means "Cut loose."
Paul ?
No ! I...Sir...
All i gave this Was the old
"1, 2, buckle my shoe, 3, 4, shut the door,
"5, 6, the...Sticks..."
Jay !
Jay ? Jay ?
Now, people, sure, I may have, you know...
( Squeaking )
Slapped it up a bit, You know,
( Kissing )
( Grunting )
Sure, i might've Done that.
( Singing gibberish With strange voice )
You're right ! You're right !
But, guys, i'm Going down here.
And i swear, if i have To go from being Super-rich to rich,
I swear, I'll kill myself.
And i'm not Goin' down alone.
You act like you're The only one here
Who's been hurt By this thing.
You know, i wanted To turn that movie
Into an amusement Park ride...
So i could take my kids-- Samantha and joey
And little-- Little tyler on it for fun.
But now i don't know If i even want kids.
( Audience laughing )
I was gonna turn it into A theme restaurant.
What do i tell My maid ?
( Audience laughing )
What about me ?
I had planned for This thing to be A big blockbuster,
So i could start A trendy heroin habit.
Well, now that's Never gonna happen.
( All talking )
( Shouting ) No, no !
I'll tell you Who's responsible, sir--
The american public, And i know you're Close with them,
But they Manipulated us.
They tricked us Into believing
That this movie was What they wanted to see,
Pretending to Like that coupon.
Let me at 'em !
( Whimpering ) Ow ! Ow !
Where's your golden Public now, sir ?
I'll tell you where.
They're all laughin'-- Laughin' at you.
Laughin' at the Big, fat asshole.
Thank you.
Thank you all...
For opening my Big, fat asshole eyes.
Look, don't cry.
Don't cry, Movie executives.
It's not Your fault.
The american public
Have screwed The movie industry over For the last time.
Oh, they'll see this movie. You bet they will.
How are you Gonna make 'em ?
We'll sue the pants Off of them.
And then we'll Sell them pants !
Yes !
( Announcer ) Coupon ! The movie
v. The people of the united states.
Are you or are you not A member of the public ?
Answer the question.
( Reporter ) all of america awaits their turn on the witness stand.
day 300, and we're only on the "b's."
Your honor, We were cheated.
No one saw This movie.
I'll bet you Didn't even see it.
Mr. Pastings, may i Remind you that i am Not on trial here...
Until next week.
Did you see The movie or not ?
I'm sorry !
It was dark !
I didn't know. Objection, your honor.
Did you use The coupon or not ?
You're a liar !
( Singing crazily )
Ah, shut up.
Do you own Tube socks or not ?
( Sobbing ) It was a baby !
( Sobbing ) No, i'm not sorry.
Broken gavel.
( Making car noises )
You're out of order, I'm out of order,
This whole court's Out of order !
Ow, my eye !
( Sobbing )
Ow !
This court finds In favor of...
The plaintiff.
( Cheering )
I sentence each And every person In the united states
To one viewing of coupon ! The movie.
And may god have Mercy on your souls.
Who wants to Go friday ?
( Announcer ) monolith pictures presents--
in a world filled with desire...
( Walking heavily )
where dreams seem just out of reach...
sometimes, a chance meeting...
can turn a stranger into your best friend.
Here you go, Ma'am.
"this is the movie all of america must see."
monolith pictures presents...
a famous mortimer film...
This'll save me Some money.
Coupon ! The movie.
when she's pushed to the limit,
she joins forces with a ragtag group of kids...
How 'bout you kids ? How's everything At school ?
Fine.
Scott, how 'Bout you ?
It was ok.
and a man who was bound to her by law.
How 'bout you, honey ? How's work ?
( Sighing )
You know, it's all right. Same thing.
together, they hatch a plan
so crazy that it just might work.
Hey, kids, i'm gonna go Shopping this weekend.
You wanna come ?
Ok.
Scott, what About you ?
Ok.
but sometimes, even the best-laid plans
can go awry.
I'm taking the kids Shopping later.
Where to ?
Seberson's discount.
Seberson's discount ?
Yeah, why ?
Well, they close In an hour.
I'd better get going.
No, beth.
Stay. Finish Your sandwich.
( Audience laughing )
and a race against time...
( Mother ) Buckle up, kids.
becomes a voyage of discovery.
Hey, mom, Look what i can do.
That's nice, honey.
and you'll never believe the surprise ending...
Dead.
All dead.
where this happens.
Honey.
Guess what ?
What ?
I got you some socks.
( Audience chuckling )
come see the movie that the attorney general is calling
"a required romp,"
and the director of the fbi called
"warm...And mandatory."
We saw coupon ! The movie.
The woman totally Used a coupon
To buy some socks !
Yeah, and it Was a movie !
Coupon ! The movie.
see it once, and you're free to go.
I got it Over with !
I saw the shit Out of it !
and coming soon to all amusement parks...
Coupon ! The movie,
the ride.
you'll get wetter than you've ever been in your life.
Wow !
I'm wetter than I've ever been,
And i'm From canada !
and coming next summer...
Mr. Show-- the credits.
They're great !
You totally know Who did the show !
The whole cast Is in 'em !
We met At the credits.
And now We're married !
Credits !
I totally believe In dragons now !
( Audience laughing )
Hi, my name is gem, And i'm from cleveland !
Did you guys, uh...
See those guys That i was with ?
They were, like-- They were like me.
We were all yellin' ?
The one--the one guy Was like that ?
Now is not the time.
Did anybody see that Guy that was, um...
Lookin' for me From before ?
He was, like, About my height,
And a little Longer hair ?
We were, like, in a group-- A whole group of people ?
'Cause he's my ride.
( Audience laughing )
And, um...
Has anybody--
No way, dude !
I totally thought You were gone !
( Crying )
( Audience applauding )
i thought you totally bailed !